he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
