just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
