We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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