If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
