I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
i drank out of a bidet.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
