It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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