I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
