WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
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