I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
