The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
