we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
