I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize