He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
