I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
