Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
