That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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