I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
