i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
