Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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