I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
