if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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