Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Randomize
