So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
