you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
