If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
