When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
