you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
