Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
