in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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