If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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