i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
