When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
