I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
