I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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