Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
