I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
