That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
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