You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
