dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
