So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
