i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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