I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
