She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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