New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
