I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
