woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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