Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Randomize
