Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i barfeds in our rink
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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