it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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