What did we do last night that was yellow?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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