**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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