wrigley field is MILF paradise
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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