I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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