i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
