I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
