chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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