My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
