my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
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