OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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