dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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