can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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