Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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