my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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