we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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