did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
