We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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